Today I was just doing what I normally do when I kind of realized that… I don’t really know that I want to do it anymore. A couple of hours ago I walked out of David’s house to my car and thought, “what if I just need something different”.
“What if this person here isn’t me? What if I’m not here?”
Let me get one thing straight. I love my friends. They are the same people as they were when I met them… actually maybe a little different… but good different. I love everyone in my life, but I am not sure if I love my life.
I certainly do like it! I happy that I am alive and get to experience all of the things that I have experienced… but I want more.
I know this might sound stupid and you might be thinking, “get a grip, Kelsey, life is hard. It’s not fun. Deal with it!” And you would be right in saying it, but right now, at this very moment sitting on my bed, I am not content. I feel like there are so many things I need to think about that I would rather not think about. I honestly don’t want to be a responsible adult right now.
I have been feeling like this for a while. I sort of feel like I failed this year in almost every aspect.
I didn’t get good grades.
I didn’t get high ranks in Forensics.
I didn’t really please my family.
I didn’t treat my friends with the love they deserved.
I didn’t treat myself with enough respect.
And I certainly didn’t treat my body with respect.
I felt like shit the last 2 months my freshman year of college. I rarely ate anything of nutritional value, got almost zero sleep, and I was living with the highest stress levels I think I have ever had.
(Maybe that feeling is what keeps me in this hole that I can’t seem to get out of)
Honestly, I think all of that should have taught me something. I know it taught me not to get wasted the night before a midterm, but how the hell is that going to help me in life? All I know from that is… I really don’t ever want to drink that much again.
Anyway, it didn’t teach me anything. It just makes me want to feel sorry for myself this summer. I have devised plans to get out of this rut that I am obviously in, but I am starting to loose hope. I tend to spend more time and brain power on things that don’t matter at all… like boys.
Let’s talk about them for a little bit. Or rather…. I am going to talk TO you for a little bit…
Okay guys… you confuse the hell out of me. If you don’t like me, don’t touch me. If you tell me I’m pretty, don’t sound like you’re joking. If you want to date me, ask me. If you like Keanu Reeves, don’t waste your time.
At thins point… I wish you would just all go away. I am tired of trying to impress you. I waste too much time and money for you to do nothing. Can someone just fill me in? I know I’m worth a whole hell of a lot. But could someone just tell me if I can stop wasting my time?
Why do I do that anyway? Why do I have to wear make up and do my hair to feel good? I wish make up would go away too….
So where did that little girl go? The one that was loud and funny and only liked clothes that were comfortable? Where’s that girl with the stringy blonde hair that was rarely ever brushed? Where’s that little girl that didn’t see the difference between fat and skinny?
I want her back. I want to love my body and not compare it to other women’s. I want to be confident in myself so that I can be loud and crazy whenever I want. I don’t want to go on a diet. So why can’t I do that? Because I feel ugly. What kind of messed up world has the power to make people feel ugly?
I am so sick of people judging other people based on looks. It makes me sick. I am not kidding. God created all of us in his image, so why can’t we see ourselves as beautiful people? Yes, of course we are flawed and dirty, but we should be able to find the beauty in everyone around us. Don’t you realize how amazing it is that we get to see so many different people each day; each person possessing a beautiful characteristic making them different from everyone else? Do you realize that every person on this earth is different and that should be praised. CELEBRATED even!
And that’s even before they open their mouths.
See people. Don’t just look at them. Smile. SEE that their life is so beautiful because OUR GOD made it.
I’m just going to end there… This whole post was a tangent… I won’t be offended if you stopped reading.